Lexii.

Its almost hour 15 of my fast and my tummy is grumbling. But I won't give in. I want and need this too much.

i binged...
i had a chicken strip basket.. with BBQ sauce..  and a small george-a-mud-fudge blizzard from dairy queen.
and a medium rootbeer.
it was one of those 'sit down and eat and finish your plate or else'.

and i feel like crying..

i'm fasting. until sunday.

I WILL NOT GIVE UP. i need this weight GONE.

looking up thinspo.. 

I need to vent... So here it goes.

HI, My name is Lexii. I like a boy named Aaron. He is really tall, really gentle, cute, warm, holds the door for me, basketball player, great smile, always polite, smart, funny, hilar. I really like him. A lot. But i'm too scared to talk to him, or even ask him out, because of my weight.

My weight has been a problem for me since i was little. I was a fat baby, I was teased all through school, and now I'm finally doing something about it. Not eating.  it's not the best thing to do, but I'm going to try it. I really need to lose weight. I don't know if I'm anarexic or just want a nice figure... but I've been looking at thinspo and it's really been helping. ^-^. I just need someone to talk to...

 my friend chantelle. she's 5'5 maybe. 100 pounds. she is so skinny, she has THE perfect figure, the perfect face, perfect hair, but she doesn't have an ED. she just recently got a boyfriend (something i've never had) and i was reading through her texts...

"i like the way you fit in my hands. it makes me smile. you're so beautiful, baby. i love you. nobody can break this if they tried."

why can't i have that?

there's this boy i like... his name is Aaron. I've known him for about three years now. he's really gorgeous, nice, he holds the door for me and he likes the same things i do. i really.. really love him. i just.. i don't wnat to make a move. not when i'm so insecure. what if he tries to touch me? i freak out whenever someone touches my fat. i'm scared and paranoid. this has to stop.

--

i want to be a model. strange, i know. but i do. i'm tall enough, aren't i? I just need to get skinny now. i need tips. i need something. i feel blank and alone. i'm just really stressed. 

 and oh, how i've missed this place. my eating habits are through the roof, i have no self control. i was doing so well, but i need you guys back in my life again. starting now.

i want to be perfect. i want to be thin. i want to be able to look at pictures of myself without wanting to scrap everything. i want perfect hair. perfect makeup. the perfect body. amazing friends. drinking buddies. i don't want loneliness. i just want to be happy. but it will never happen. no, not to me. it just won't because i haven't been graced with good things, why start now? 

Alright. So, last night we went for prayers, and there was about 80 people in the chapel. And then today, at the buriel, there was what, fifteen of us? Was quite upset. Bleh. I found out I was like... a new ethniticity. AND I KNOW WHY IM SO FAT. The ENTIRE side on my dad's side is FAT AS HELL.

Ugh. I feel disgusting.

+ Although I'm more of a 'wannarexic' than an 'anarexic' i'd like to post some few accomplishments that I've made, or choices rather:

- No french fries at all.
- Eat half of what is given.
- Chew gum as often as possible to reduce hunger.
- Walk atleast 30 minutes a day.

Just a note.. I'm not trying to get bone thin. I just want to get in to this mind frame of losing weight and keeping it off. Idk. D:
But the proana communities I'm in are good inspiration, which is why I'm there. ^_^ I'll post more later, I'm exhausted.


 

eh. my great grandmother died on sunday so i've been occupied.
i've eaten on and off. but the funeral is today and i doubt i'll be eating anything for the next few days.
she died on sunday of kidney failure.
r.i.p greatgrandma barb. <3

HERES THE FAT FUCK COMING THROUGH:
hips: 54 inches.
ITS TERRIBLE.
ugh. this is just a way to track my way from fat to thin. :)
i'm not too worried about it.
my goals are like...
35 inches for my bust.
29 inches for my waist.
40-ish inches for my hips.
is that impossible?

no it's not! because i know that this is the way to do it.

i've been obsessed with food... but not any more.
i will NOT let that food control me!

I WILL be thin!

Sorry for wasting your time. :)

i think my goal is far off from the other people with ED around here. i don't necessarily want to be bone thin, i just want the fat gone. we both have the same thing in common... i want the space between my legs, the collar bone sticking out. maybe even a little bit of spine. but i just really want non-fatty curves. i don't know if that makes sense. i just feel like i don't belong because i don't necessarily want totally, totally skinny.. yet.

i need pick-me-ups. chewing gum has made me not hungry, and i'm starting to get the familiar pain of hunger in my stomach again. which makes me feel empowering. i'm off to go find some songs to listen to. maybe cheer me up.

i woke up to doughnuts on the counter, when i was going for a glass of water.
they looked so tempting. me, being an un-controlled bitch, went and grabbed the doughnut.
i realised what i was doing, and threw it at the dog. there's still three more and a bagel rotting on the counter, though.
i'm not going to eat it!

ugh. it's 12:38 pm. and i've eaten:
white bread (160 cals.), a tbsp of peanut butter (90 cals) and a piece of cheese (80 calories.)
IS THAT NOT DISGUSTING!?
i'm going to be forced to eat at supper. mom's making this huge celebrational thing for whatever reasons.
i'm so upset with myself. after my HUGE binge yesterday... ugh. i'm pathetic.
i'm a fat pig. i have fat poking out from EVERY where.
i want contacts.
i want earphones.
i want to be skinny.
i want nice clothes.
i want perfection.

posting at ten to two in the morning. i feel like absolute shit. i keep getting told how pathetic i am and how much of a failure i am. i'm tired of it. the suicide attempt last night isn't helping, either. my neck feels like it's going to fall off. i had it cauterized... it hurts so badly. i ate WAY too much today. i'm so pathetic. i eat when i'm bored. i need to stop that. on the plus now, i have to eat because my doctor told me i need to lose 50 pounds by new years. so hello ana, here i come. and also, it's going to be interesting to try new methods, although i can't be mia because of my mother. + our toilet isn't working either. xD

i'm trying so hard to lose this weight. i walk 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. i have gym every third day for 50 minutes. and i go to the gym when i can. today i went wayyyy over my calorie limit. i need to go buy more water.

i feel so alone. i really want a boyfriend/girlfriend. ryan is so amazing. i know he doesn't feel the same way about me as i do about him. how could he? i'm fat and ugly and pathetic and whiney. i don't see how anyone can be my friend.

i really just want to stop eating alltogether.
although i heard something about tricking your mind?
something about eating different foods every day so that your mind is tricked with calorie intake or whatever.
i cba'd tbh.
i just feel so alone and desolate. i can't draw. i can't write. i can't do shit. i'm freezing cold.
I NEE TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT.